longingfreesia | [Event Post]

I'm a demon myself. Albeit unlike you, I wasn't born as such, but I feel there might be a commonality of that anxiety of no longer feeling human.

But you feel your main concern is loss of control, followed by a fear of loss of identity?

*She gives another small nod.*

Yes. I'd say those are my biggest worries with all of this.

The concern of ability, I think you don't need to demonstrate here. If you would like to, I believe there is a room elsewhere in SAI for Psychic Duelists where they can practice.

So let's focus then, why do you fear this otherworldly heritage will lead to an erosion of identity? How does learning about it make you feel?

I guess, maybe, it kind of makes me feel I was living a lie? It's difficult to explain. I spent most of my life living as a 'human', then suddenly I'm thrown this curveball and I'm no longer what I thought I was, but I'm also not sure what I'm supposed to be? Or what I'm supposed to do?

I mean... I know what I want out of life, but I feel bad for some reason that I just want to live a normal life. You know, have a successful career, get married and have a family some day... all those things.

And even though I know there are some examples of positive demon influences in my life, it's difficult not to think of the bad ones too. Ones like my estranged father. Ones I'm scared I'll end up like, even though I know I'm nothing like them.

Basically, despite positive influences, you're concerned nature will supplant nurture?

*She gives a solemn nod.*

I know I'm probably being silly and my mind is just making up these worries, but I can't stop thinking that somehow, deep down, I'm a terrible person like he was or that one day I will be, even though it's not what I would want at all.

I've always been a person who cares and nurtures others and I wouldn't want to be anything else.

But he... he was able to turn me into someone who was driven for revenge, even if it was against my own wishes and nature, simply through emotionally manipulating me into believing I'd lost everyone I'd ever cared about.
And this was before the more recent events of me getting this new demon form.

If it hadn't been for my partner, Yuma, and his friends being able to bring me to my senses during that time... I don't know what would have happened.

Then the recent event that gave me that form... I saw a person... she was me, but a version of me from some alternate world who was raised by the Heartland in her world, and she was the complete opposite of me. She was like him.
She was the one who told me I'd end up hurting people, because I had no one to truly teach me how to control my abilities. So when I started getting that demon form she used and my powers went out of control, I was scared. I was really scared.

*She tears up quite a bit as the explains this. She takes a moment to try and quickly wipe the tears away, but it's to no avail as more just fall from her eyes.*

::That was a lot to take in.::

...

If you need a moment to take a break, and breathe. Or you want to switch subjects, please, do ahead, Ms. Mizuki.

These are feelings you should be exploring, but don't push yourself at a rate you don't feel comfortable with.

But the fact you are confronting them is important.

*Kotori takes a moment to calm herself down, taking deep breathes until she feels calm enough to continue.*

Sorry, I know that was a lot I just dumped at once.

Some of this I honestly thought I'd worked through, or was in the process of working through, but all this recent stuff has resurfaced a lot of the older stuff that's happened and it just feels like a big mess in my head.

I can continue for now.

Don't apologize to me, I just don't want you to go too fast, too hard, and touch on too much raw emotion that you're not comfortable dealing with.

It's my job to make sure you explore these feelings at your pace, but also keep them from harming you.

But, hrm. We can either talk about these demonic influences that are positive, or would you like to explore what kind of personality traits or sides of yourself you think might lead you to becoming this "Terrible you"?

The positive influences are two people I used to work with, Shiroko-san and Ai-san, who took me under their wing with their fashion design business as an apprentice for a few years. They were fairly upfront with me about their abilities and non-human sides while working with them and it was never something that bothered me.

Shiroko-san recently updated about how they're working on a line of clothing which they're using their demonic nature to sell and I really admired that. That it's something they can embrace about themselves comfortably.
Granted, my designs are pretty much the opposite kind of thing. I prefer doing very cute and brightly coloured designs, but I thought maybe one day I'd find a way to comfortably be able to embrace that demon side of me in my own way too.

Brief disclosure, in case you think this is an overly problematic conflict of interest:

I'm Mrs. Haita and Ms. Jouyoku's chief financial backer.

Oh! I didn't realise!

I don't think the fact you know them and back them financially will cause an issue though.

Alright, I just had to be sure. If it at any point causes trouble, we'll take pause there.

We've established you feel "Demonic" isn't a problem, that it can be held in balance...

Then what do you negatively associate here with your demonic nature, with this Other You that you met? What kind of personality traits, habits, anything, do you think are connected to it?

Just so we can lay out a ground work. If you're comfortable with that.

Well, the other me she... she was very manipulative. She was able to play on my good nature and get me to follow her somewhere by pretending to be someone in need.

She was insulting and seemed to love the idea of having power over others. She seemed disgusted with me because she felt I 'held myself back'. She also came off as very threatening and sadistic.

And she definitely seemed to have no issue with the idea of killing me so she could replace me here and wouldn't listen to reason.

I guess those are what I associate with it.

Hnnn... This is a complicated question. You can either think about or we can walk from it.

But. Do you see any of that in yourself? Manipulative? Sadistic? Selfish?

*Kotori slowly shakes her head.*

No... I'd never do something that would knowingly upset or harm someone else.
I mean, everyone has their negative traits. I know can be stubborn and maybe naggy about things at times, but never anything like being manipulative or sadistic.

I'm just worried those traits exist as a part of me, somewhere deep down, where they could be triggered or brought out by someone else manipulating me.

*She then places a hand to her head, feeling a little exasperated.*

Or maybe I'm just worrying too much, and these are more learned behaviours that I saw in the other me, rather than innate ones. I really don't know what to think. I don't know what kind of innate behaviours demons can have that differ from a human.

::Tapping her business kitten heel thinking.::

... Hnnn.

Do you want to explore that? Find out what innate differences there are, even if it scares you?

::I'm going to regret this...::

*Kotori shuffles a bit uncomfortably where she's sat, raising an eyebrow with a hesitant look.*

How, exactly?

I wouldn't advise it on this session but either hypnosis or more extensive means on my end, capable of my own nature. Depending on how much you want to dig deep into your psyche, Ms. Mizuki. Of course.

Your sense of humanity and whatever training or views your father did would be suppressed, however memories wouldn't be. However, I will note this is likely to be very uncomfortable and possible traumatizing on its own level to your human-nurtured psyche.

You may find things about yourself that you won't like.

I will note: This is an offer, not an obligation.

We do not have to do this.

I'll keep the offer in mind, but... as much as I'd like to know, it seems like it would be too dangerous and drastic. After all, I'm trying to solve how I feel over the trauma and issues I already have over this. Adding to that seems like a bad idea.

*Thank goodness Kotori seems to have a level head on her shoulders, despite what she's been through.*

::Smarter than my cousin or most Samasu, at least.::

Good point.

The door will remain open for future sessions.

::Shows you a little cartoon-y looking IOU on a note card.::

So, right now, to get back on track, I want you to think. What make you feel more confident about yourself? Or what would you like to explore and discuss, trauma wise.

What feels most important to you?

Since it sounds like you want some semblance of normality.

What makes me feel confident about myself?

Well... my fashion designing has always been something I've felt very confident with and it's what I want to do, career wise. I was building up my own small independent business before the more recent things happened, but I've had to temporarily take some time away from it to focus on myself and getting myself back on my feet.

I'm confident with cooking and... it might be silly, but Yuma makes me feel confident in myself too. Just with how he faces everything head on and never gives up on things.
We have a saying for it. 'Kattobing'.

And that's my 'normal'. My career, cooking, spending time with Yuma, shopping with friends.

But it seems every time I try and grasp back that 'normal' something else happens to derail it all again. I know for Yuma and I, things will never be completely 'normal' for us. I guess it's just... trying to find a balance between everything and accepting the abnormal parts of our lives.

I just want to be able to have that semblance of normality, but to also be able to accept myself for what in-human traits I have. To be able to trust that side of myself.

Hrm. And what, right now, is bucking you when you try to grasp that normalcy? From being able to chop up leeks or use a microwave?

I might be a tiny bit scattered brained, forgive me.

Edited 2019-12-01 21:48 (UTC)

I guess it probably is that uncertainty on who I am and my lack of knowledge on my demon half and I guess demons in general. It's like that part of me is a stranger I don't know much about and can't trust.
And then I tend to overthink and over-worry about everything regarding it, especially after I gained the demon form unexpectedly and how badly I reacted to it.

I'd really convinced myself that I was a danger to everyone around me.

And I guess I just feel really... worn down with all that's happened to me the last few years since discovering my abilities.

Hrm. Let's start really small.

... And what would, right now. Please think.

Give you a reassurance. That tonight you can go home and feel comfortable with, let's say, instant cup ramen or a frozen TV dinner? Or something really easy cooking wise.

Though, as a blithe aside, it also sounds like you need a day off or a day at the spa. Self care.

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